Standing at the edge with my eyes wide open

I`ve been asking God these few days what his plan for me is like. Cos im loosing my way, like some lost sheep. It used to be simple, i knew what i wanted and how to set bout getting there. However, as usual, life or fate or what ever it is out there interfered and here i am now. I would love to think that it was my choice to be here but we all know better. I think this was the work of fate or should i say d hand of God, maybe? Sure, sure, thats nice too.... i can deal with that.

What i cannot deal wif is the lost of direction im getting and the gut feeling that decided to elope with it. I`ve been pushing and trying and going the way i seem to need to be going these few weeks as well. But i wonder why i`ve been left burned out. I asked God too....cos that seemed like the best thing to do.

I read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho ( its Joann`s)some time ago and it was about this kid seeking his fortune, his way, his ultimate goal. The kid had hopes and dreams, maybe not that big a dream but still a dream and he held it near and dear to him. Then, came along this wise man, claiming to be the king of a well, kingdom and he told him to go forth and achieve more. The lad did but landed himself in a bad spot instead and there seemed no way out. Miraculously, he got a job at some crystal shop and began anew vowing to return to his original dream after getting out. He accomplished his goal but felt that he could handle newer and better stuff at that point. So what should he do? Should he follow the old dream or the new one? The one laid out to him by the King? Or the one he planned earlier on? Which one would be THE ONE? In the end, he choose the Kings way and did well.

So folks what is the moral of this story?

In my opinion, its very much like our lives. We can always, always plan but, we would never ever know how it would end up. We can only strive for the best and hope that all goes well. I guess ultimately, no matter what path u choose to take, that will be ur path, cos u chose it so its yours. Muahahaha...... so choose well my little darlings ....* scary castle music* .....it is after all concerning your very own mortality.

And the results of this questioning and asking? I am pleased to announce that i had an amazing day STANDING AT THE EDGE WITH MY EYES WIDE OPEN. Haha.....actually it felt more like tons and tons of ideas and thoughts were fighting to come out from my synapse until my brain was swimming in its own thoughts and since thoughts are denser then the average grey matter, or so i shall like to think, my brain floats in its own thoughts. Haha.... thats why i had to spew it all out or suffer from toppling over the edge. Lucky, my eyes were wide open so i could still navigate around and found much interesting material for more sessions.

Fascinating huh. Im so lucky im still so sane. Sometimes i wonder if this is all normal or most ppl try not to ponder over these things or im just wasting my time or this is all crap. No matter what, theres no way one would ever know right. Or is there.

ok i better stop. Im doing the loopy thing again. Ya, just gotta say things bother me. Many things bother me. I can`t just take it easy. I have to take it a part and build it up again, piece by piece and know why and where each piece goes. im sick i know. Maybe i need professional help, but then again i dun think i do. Maybe there`s a name for wat im having. They should be. There`s always a name for something.

Anyways, things to ponder on:

Judgement
Racism
Social activities and their purposes
Ego aka pride
Stupidity versus Smarts
The Norm aka Dun rock the boat
Comparison
Fear
Self doubt
Goals
Progress


Thats all i guess. But before i go, i would like to wish my super fabulooos and most wonderful dad:

HAPPY FATHER`S DAY!!!
I LOVE YA SOOOOOOOOooo MUCH
THOUGH I DON`T SAY IT COS UR TOO MACHO.
Without all your encouragement for us to be better than what we can be or believe to be, all the effort u put into my education, all the times u drove me to my countless tuitions, not to mention the bills u had to pay, the trips to all the libraries in town worth going to, your fastidiousness on my lousy English proficiency, when you were so kam ciong when i fell and tore my ligaments, the trips we take to broaden our minds, the care you take in providing and caring for your family, I would not be the person i am today. Thank you dad, from the bottom of my heart, for all you have done. You are the best dad ever, no matter what.

* To those who could bear it and read it till the end. Ur thoughts are much appreciated. :DDDD I`ld love to know ur thoughts on this. :)))))))))